RIP Mom

Judith Claire Hooten Doxtator died last night at 6:15 pm.

She was my mom.

It's starting to sink in.

I'm watching a great movie, "Queen of the Galaxy" - dahlings, Zsa-Zsa just blew up a space station!  (It vas uckly, dahlink.)

Tomorrow, I'm going to Chadron to see my mom; help her get settled from one place to another, find another apartment, get stuff packed or junked ... rinse and repeat from December.

(Now the spacemen are wriggling in their recliners like they're getting the best. head. ever.)

I found out through Facebook that my daughter is in a relationship.  She didn't call me or tell me face-to-face.  This hurts me.

Being quiet

I'm keeping my mouth shut, practicing listening instead of shooting my mouth off.

We'll see how long that will last.

Nattering about karma

The rule of three.

Is it a way to make the craft all nicey-nicey?  Is the universe a giant push-pull lever?

You throw a rock.  Did you squash a bug with it?  You're fucked, my friend.  Karma is going to eat your lunch because you killed an innocent bug.  Oh, and don't forget that you're taking the bug's karma onto yours as well.  Looks like your lunch is going to be eaten for a few lifetimes now.

Western Karma makes the universe seem mechanistic.  You put your quarter in the slot, make your selection, and hope it's a good one.

When I try to look at karma from a Hindu standpoint, I run into a wall.  I'm not Hindu, and I'm totally ignorant as to how it works.  Is it solely Hindu?  Have the Jaina and the Buddhists incorporated the idea into their faiths?  Does Islam acknowledge karma?

Does western karma cripple people to the point where they can't act?

Is the rule of 3 a version of karma?

Why 3, for fuxxakes?  Why not the rule of 1, of 100, of 69?

It's Blog, It's Blog!

(He's jumping around from channel to channel drives me crazy.   I don't like it.)

Ahem.

Blogging.

Motormouthing mental masturbation.  One way to learn to write (maybe not).

Room for muses and demiurges.

Magick.

Poetry.

A place for me to make spelling errors, grammatical goofs, horrid plot slipups.

In front of the Goddess and anyone else who cares to read this.

Self-hate

The black dog is biting me again.  I feel like I can't do anything right for anyone.

Hello, I hate myself.  Hello, I wish I was dead.  Hello, I won't take my own life because it's not a legacy I want to leave my kids and granddaughter.

NOTHING - I mean NOTHING - stops the cycle.

School - I'm lazy.  I'm not smart.  I can't even do dumbass math.  I can't act.  I loathe writing papers.

Professional - You have to be kidding.  You, a professional?  You can't even fold a fucking sweater.

Family - Abusive.  Stupid.  Unseeing.  Denying.

Partner - too fat to fuck.